My lovely lady lumps

---

I just spent hours shutting down the secret base controlling the radio signal and this huge guy still won't let me pass. He's gotten even more insistent, actually. What have I missed? Am I just stuck here forever? I decide to backtrack a smidge to Ekruteak to see if there's anything I've overlooked.

Oh, there's a whole route to the west. I totally knew that.

The level of enemies here tells me I should have gone this way quite some time ago.

Ah! Death incarnate, we meet again! You're quite a bit weaker than the cow Whitney had in her possession. You should make an easy trophy.

Not a single sweat was broken this day.

Oh ew. I don't think I can even stomach the thought of drinking the milk from one of these after that scene back in the Goldenrod gym.

A more fitting nickname has never been given.

[Boxed! And a note from real-life Frez: I realize it's spelled "Lilith" and not "Lillith" as I have it here. I kinda got too lazy to Google it at the time, and now I'm too lazy to rename it.]

Ok, Knabbs, this is ridiculous. The next time you ambush me only to give me a condescending speech and then walk away, I'm going to tackle your stupid beautiful face to the ground and bludgeon it with a rock. You don't want me to do that, right, Knabbs? I don't want me to do it. But you're really giving me no other option. I'm so sorry.

Said condescending speech included the information that the gym leader's in the lighthouse looking after a sick Pokémon and isn't accepting challengers. Ugh. Another problem I'll inevitably have to help out with.

Why me? Why does no one else in this world have a clue of how to fix their own problems? All I see them doing is panicking and blocking the road until yours truly comes along to save the day. I'm so angry, I could smash these rocks. In fact, I will. That'll teach them to just lie on the beach and mock me.

Out of the rubble that my anger has reduced the rocks to crawls a shelled creature with the appearance of yellow Play-Doh. It eyes us silently and without blinking. It doesn't seem to move at all, really. I order Garrison to attack it, but it barely reacts to his powerful barrage of leaves. It latches a tentacle to his face as he goes to inspect it, but he just shakes his head and it slides right off.

This was even easier than it sounds.

Mold? I was fighting a living fungus? No wonder it did barely a thing...

Um, wow. Either the Dex is malfunctioning, or those are the most ridiculous stats I've ever seen. This creature is like a solid diamond in terms of defense. If I can teach it to bring down opponents by way of poison or some other ailment, it'd be an invaluable member of the team. We'll see how this goes.

A man in a seafood restaurant takes one look at me and chucks a disc at my face. He tells me to come back once I've buffed up enough to take him on. Let alone the fact that I'm a kid. There's no reason for me to stay anyway, since there don't appear to be any restaurant staff around.

Also known as my next annoying task to clear just so I can maybe get past a fat man.

My opposition in here is fairly standard - just a lot of sailors and huffy gentlemen that are appalled at the very sight of me. For some reason, every floor has a giant gaping hole in it that a person could easily fall through. Lawsuits? Yes.

Lo and true to Knabbs' word, the gym leader is here taking care of a yellow striped lizard with flippers. It's really pathetic that as a leader, she has no one to look after the creature while she goes and gets the medicine for it herself. If the sight of it struggling to breathe did not evoke pity in me, I'd have just left her here for her insolence.

Of course, I have to trek all the way to an island across the sea. I can already feel the jellyfish swarming me.

Well, it's not like this is disorienting or anything.

What's this? A manta ray with some kind of fish attached to it? That effectively means two Pokémon in one...

Behold, for I am the master of capture!

Ignore the apparent gender change! Do you really think I, Frez, would try to con you by showing the capture of a different Mantine from the first? Do you honestly believe I might have accidentally killed it and then went searching for another? Ha! No chance!

That's a Remoraid attached to it, I guess, but I can't seem to pry it off no matter how I try.

Caught at the brink of death.

Save your applause, folks. You'd have no hands left if you gave me all the applause I deserve.

[Boxed!]

Land! Ah, the glorious smell of sand and civilization. And... sweat? What is this place? I fear it's nothing good...

NEXT TIME: Frez fights an overweight shirtless man! Lord save us all!

Deh-deh-deh. Dehdeh-deh.

---

After that whole ordeal at the lake, I'm pretty hungry. Unfortunately, the closest shop is Gammy n' Gandaughter's. I refuse to eat Slowpoke tail, but maybe there were muffins or something on the menu that I missed earlier.

My muffins will have to wait, however, because Lance is there with a large yellow dragon to crash the party.

The karate man is left unconscious from the dragon's attack, and the man in shades (who I think is probably Gammy) cowers in fear. Lance trips a hidden switch in the floor, and the tiles slide to reveal a staircase. He goes on ahead without a word. Am I just supposed to follow him? He must know I'm fearless and can handle anything.

The basement is... way larger than it should be for a shop of that size.

Wait, Lance? Where are you? I don't see him anywhere. Perhaps he's hiding behind that weird cat statue...

As soon as I step in front of the statue, an alarm sounds and a Rocket grunt comes running to battle me. I defeat him quickly, of course. And with him gone, I can continue to-

You've got to be kidding me.

These statues are obviously surveillance devices. If I can find their control panel, I might be able to turn them off.

The switch is right in the middle of the room and guarded by a single scientist. Is Team Rocket serious with all this? Their best defense is a labcoat and sparsely-distributed camera statues? Pathetic.

And in no time, I reach the stairs to the next level. But... What is that curious floor tile? I'm sure stepping on it won't hurt.

...

Yeah so ANYWAY. The next floor is even more different and spacious than the one I was just on. I'm beginning to think the whole shop thing is just a clever ruse.

The generator behind this barrier is supposed to be what we're aiming to shut down here. It needs a password, though... I try the usual standbys "password", "kittens", and "boobies", but no sell.

I slaughter my way through several more TR henchmen, only to find out that the password to the generator is locked behind a door that requires TWO passwords. After several hours of torture, I manage to squeak it out of two of the grunts. "Slowpoke Tail" and "Raticate Tail".

Hello, Knabbs.

Good bye, Knabbs.

(I plucked a hair off his jacket when he turned around. Ehehehhhh...)

And, back to important matters. The grunts weren't lying, as the passwords they gave me open this door. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to find the generator password, but it shouldn't take long.

Maybe this important-looking fellow knows it. I battle and defeat him with ease, but he just screams random things that probably aren't the password. He actually falls to his knees in apparent fear.

Flitwick seems to take advantage of this man's groveling to evolve and become even scarier. I love you so much, you sadistic pink sparkling bat.

Unfortunately, the man flees before I can get more out of him. However, I notice an odd blue crow sort of bird that looks to be wearing a hat in the corner of the room. It's such a pretty bird, really. All shiny and whatnot. I approach it carefully, and it gives me a look somewhere between disdain and relief.

It speaks the password in a shrill, gravely voice and then flies off. It might have been lying to me, but it's all I've got to go on.

Ah. The bird wasn't lying. But I'm being apprehended.

These two Rocket grunts try to gang up on me, but Lance swoops in to ~save the day~. I could have taken care of them by myself. Not only that, but I'm stuck fighting the girl. I despise women.

What?! Ugh, traitorous crow! That's the last time you'll ever hear me compliment you. Telling me the password was all just a scheme to ambush me here, wasn't it? Sigh...

With those goons out of the way, we can FINALLY go about shutting this thing down. The only way is to destroy the electrodes on each side. Sounds easy enough.

I can't say this is what I was expecting. Why is it smiling at me? Why is it winking?

Why is it now shaking uncontrollably and producing sparks? Why-

I wake up to Lance treating my burns with salve. What he failed to tell me was that those things I just fought are prone to self-destructing. Thanks a lot, Lance.

And I get a measly disc out of the deal. 3rd degree burns, and I get a disc. Awesome.

NEXT TIME: A new team member finally! Baked beans in a blender!

Also, bonus pic: