TWO FOR THE PRICE OF...two

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That sweat-stench from earlier is most powerful outside this Gym. So powerful, in fact, that I had to train my nose for over three months just to be able to get this close. Literally, three months. It's pretty bad.

And inside, the floor and walls glisten in the repugnant ambrosia cast off by these martial arts men. None of them speak so much as just grunt and shout things like, "UAHHHH!!" and "HNNNN-GAHH!!" and "DOOOWHOOP!!"

Most of it is coming from those two facing each other. Perhaps in their own language, they are having the most intelligent and heated debate of the millennium. But to me, they are just two more wretched obstacles.

Yoshi? I know a Yoshi, and he is not you. You are not lovable, green, or reptilian.

You are disgusting.

Ah, square boulders; we meet again! Unlike your lumpy or round brethren, you are not immovably stuck to the ground. I tell Cairo to be a doll and move these rocks out of my way.

He pushes against them with his face with all the power he can muster. Though he has no arms or legs to ground him (indeed, his only method of propulsion is wriggling and flapping his tiny wings), the boulders are pushed aside with ease. Cairo's face looks a little squashed, but it's worth it.

Oh. Oh no. No one man should be able to produce this heinous of a smell. He lifts a rock over his head, and the blast emanated from his exposed armpits actually knocks me onto my backside.

For once, yes, I am horrified.

Even his name smells bad. I'm going to need to get this battle over with quickly if I am to have any hope for survival.

His first Pokémon is a sort of exploding monkey with a pig-like snout. It hits hard, but its defenses are atrocious. Predictably, we take it down in no time at all.

His second (and final) beast is... a... frog, maybe? It swamps the battlefield in a deluge of water that appears out of nowhere and exits through the front door. Garrison doesn't seem too harmed by the attack, and miraculously, it appears to have given the men here much-needed baths. With the stench gone, we can now focus better!

Oh. So can the frog, apparently. One punch from its gloved fist was enough to take down the mighty Garrison? Horrifying. It's looking like I'll need something with stamina akin to a steel fortress, something that can take hits like nobody's business...

Oh yeah, I have that weird shell thing now.

I knew it was fate that brought us together, but already, you are helping me so much. Even at death's gate, you weakly drag your tentacles to victory.

A shudder travels up my body as he hands me this badge. It's all... slimy. So gross.

Outside, I see a woman who claims to be Chuck's wife. I feel extremely sorry for her, and she gives me a disc that teaches Fly, almost like a subtle suggestion for me to get far away from there as quickly as possible. My backwards hat goes off to her.

But first, that errand for the dying Pokémon that I almost forgot about! Mr. Hippieglasses here gives me a "secret potion" to cure it. By "secret", I assume he means "illicit", and "potion" probably means "drugs". But, who am I to assume such things of a seedy middle-aged man with round glasses?

With the """potion""" in hand, I boot up the Fly HM to see how it works. Flitwick instantly tackles me and carries me off, a spectacle that must have looked like me showing off my super-neat vampire powers.

Back at the lighthouse, I see that Jasmine is waiting for the sweet release of death to claim her yellow lizard thing. Well not today, lassie! Ol' Frez is here with some hippie juice to save the day!

The potion works miraculously well, and the lizard is cured in a matter of mere seconds. It flashes its tail and makes gleeful sheep-like noises, all in my honor. If my heart were larger than a speck of dust, this scene would have moved me to tears.

But I have another Gym to destroy, dangit!

Hello, Jasmine. I know that I just saved the life of your best friend, but that was just business as usual to keep events flowing. Hm? The steel-type? I know all about it. You see, with all the steel you have, it will do nothing.

I am a blacksmith, you see.

The blacksmith of your nightmares.

She didn't even bother changing out of her sun dress for this battle? Doesn't she know that I shall make her beloved Pokémon bleed at her from every angle?

This is what she sends out to face me.

It's, er... Actually kind of terrifying. But we've totally got this, right, guys?

...Guys?

Looks like it's just you and me again, Garrison. The original Dream Team can never go down!

AW YEAH.

Another badge, in the span of time it might take me to make a sandwich. Today has been oddly productive. But now I wonder what to do next? Sightsee? Or perhaps the candy bar man's dietary habits have finally caught up with his arteries.

You know what; I'm deleting you from my contact list.

Candy Bar Man is not gone, but Insisting Tourist Guy is. Looks like I'll be heading to Gym #7 already.

NEXT TIME: A gym! And more Team Rocket! Don't be a wet blanket!