Animal cruelty

Downstairs looks pretty much like the upstairs. Lots of brown and no decoration, eugh.

What. Who are you? I don't want this old cell phone. This is from what, 2000? Why are you giving me this?

“Just choose a name you want to call! This is the most advanced and exciting thing ever! In fact, I am going to strip naked and sacrifice a goat out of my primal fear for this new-fangled machine!”

I may be paraphrasing slightly, but she really does find it amazing that this ancient cell phone stores numbers. I guess, considering its age, I am too.

Her shenanigans are tiring. I want to leave.

Screw you, rules of time and space! And you too, light. I see you giving me the stink eye. I'm warping out of here and I don't care what colors get assigned to new wavelengths. I also don't care who that other woman is. I'm going places.

Oh. I suppose that may have just been a visual effect meant to represent my passing through a door.

~*The More You Know!*~

I guess I must be part of some kind of pioneer podunk populace, which is the type of settlement I hate almost as much as I hate alliteration.

...I'm leaving.

Bye, town. You never meant a damn thing to me.

Wellp.

Oh well, I can stay local until Ms. Crankypants crawls back into the pungent abyss from whence she came.

You look... Familiar. Like one day I asked you what you were doing creeping behind this building and you kicked me so hard I flew backwards, and then I developed a depraved obsession for you. Well not this time, mister! I know your tricks!

But you do smell... nice.

Here I am, to save the day!

Actually, no, I'm not. Please explain why I've been expected here.

Absolutely not.

A Pokémon? Is that a new breed of dog? I do love puppies... I'm a bit suspicious of “caught”, however. Stealing other people's puppies is very rude.

He tells me to pick one of three contained in those balls on the table. Those poor darlings, trapped in such a confined space! Disgusting. I'd take them all if this voice inside my head wasn't telling me, “Better not get greedy!” Ugh.

I guess I'll check out what my options are.

A potato with an overbite and a leaf growing out of its brain... A stubby mole that somebody lit on fire... And a cheeky dancing caiman. Well. Uhh. Eenie, meenie, minie...

You. The burning rodent. You are mine now.

It's apparently called a “Cyndaquil”, which reminds me of Cindy, who is a woman that I have never seen being on fire. She does have red hair, though. What a small world we live in.

Eating death and looking suave. Though, as I do not live in a universe where this name and its associations with evil wizards exist, I'm not sure how I know that. I'm just silly! But it's a good name anyways.

A number that I will never call out of desire, nor pity. Basically, I'm never calling this guy. He's just too pushy. In fact, he's telling me to scoot along and get to Mr. Pokémon's house ASAP. This does give me an excuse to leave the town, if only for a short bit. Ms. Crankypants can sit and crank all she wants – I have an errand to run!

LIKE A BOSS.

---

NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BALL Z:

The most horrible things happen. Prepare your corneas for a sound lashing, because it's about to get heinous up in here!

Anew

Dark.

It's dark. Everything's dark... I can't...

...

Garrison... Why does that name sound... Gar...

"Wake up."

Who... Who's saying that? Spre... Spreshul?

"I said, wake up!"

I wake up, suddenly. I'm freezing. It's not all dark anymore, but it's still very dim. There is a face in front of me, but I don't know whose. He smiles and laughs a bit. I try to move, but I can't. I look down and see I'm in a rough wooden chair, my hands and chest roped to it. I realize that I'm cold because I'm soaking wet.

"Had to use the ol' splash-ye-with-water trick, we did. But yer up now." He keeps smiling while rummaging through objects on a table to my left. I squint to get a better look, suddenly aware that my glasses aren't on my face. The man picks something flat-looking from the pile and holds it close to my face. It's a photograph, of a teenaged boy with red clothes.

"Now... I'm gonna ask ye something," the man says. He taps a spot on the photograph with one finger and raises his eyebrows. I squint harder, and I can make out a vague shape of something in the background, something blue and four-legged. "Tell me, whot's this?" he asks.

"It's... I mean, it looks familiar," I stutter, having no clue what the thing in the photo was, but trying to buy some time to think. It did actually spark something in my memory, but only faintly. "I might have caught a glimpse of it, in a dream I guess. That wouldn't explain why it's in a photo, though..." The man's face darkens a little, but his composure remains still.

"No, eh? You mean to tell me, ye don't know what that is," he says. I shake my head, and he narrows his eyes.

"Two years ago, ye went on a... A trip, we'll say. Ye weren't the first test subject, but ye were the finest. Ye survived longer than all the others, by far." He picks up another photo from the table. "These... These are images we took from the experiment. Can' take an actual photograph, so we simulate them based on what we can tell is around ye. And we finally found what we were lookin' for with ye," says the man, looking at the first photo again. "We finally found Suicune."

"I... What? Experiment? I... I guess I remember something... Something with these, I guess, creatures cooexisting with people and battling each other. But I thought that was just a dream that I had in my short coma. I woke up one day in the hospital and my life was back."

"Wasn't a dream," the man says. "Every bit of that was real. Ye woke up because your avatar died; ye were never in a coma." He's smiling again, and he walks around behind me. "And now that we know that blue beastie will go near ye..." Something covers my head and I can't see anymore. I feel like I should scream, but don't, because I'm suddenly very tired. "Yer going back."

Pain shoots through the back of my neck, but I still don't make a noise, because I can't. I feel like I'm traveling somewhere. I feel... alive.

Oh? An... eye? An eye staring out at me in the darkness. It's comforting, in a way. It chimes, and disappears.

My vision cuts to a field at twilight. I'm flying over it very quickly. I see something coming towards me - what is it?

A shadowy blur is all I catch. It seems to race past me even faster than I'm flying. As soon as it does, I stop.

...Huh? What are these? Where did they come from? At least they seem to be as confused as I am. And the yellow one's pretty cute. I try to say hi to these freakish things, but I suddenly lurch forward.

I catch up with the shadow. Man, it runs fast. I still can't get a good look at-

OH GEEZ.

Ffffff, indeed, F-shaped eye alien. Fff indeed. Was I supposed to be more aware of this blue thing? I thought someone had told me to be, but I don't really remember.

Eesh. Looks angry. Whoever told me to mess with it; I'm not gonna.

And it runs away from me as fast as it came. There's even more of those eyeball dudes.

Kinda looks like... "CRYSTAL"? Crystal. What do crystals have to do with anything? Actually, you know what, where am I? Where was I before this? I guess this is some sort of demented lucid dream I'm having here. Congrats, subconscious, you win this round. Now if I could please go back to flying and find myself a Knabbs, that would be-

I... What? Um, I'm a girl. I know I'm a bit androgynous, but it's kind of rude to just straight-up ask that question.

I have no idea who you are. More importantly, you're not Knabbs. And you're ollllld.

Ohhh. You're OAK. I'm talking to a tree who believes he is a man, and has assumed the form of one. I'm okay with this. Or should I say, OAK-ay with this? Haha!

And you've turned into an armless mudpuppy. Actually, I think I saw you back when that whole business with Mr. Blueblur was afoot. What was that about?

What- ok, you're me now, and you're still not answering anything I ask you. I'll humor you, but only because you're clearly a very powerful demon.

Come to think of it, what is my name? ...Hm. Not sure. I guess I'll just make one up.

Mmn, yes. Yes, something about this name is quite succulent. Quite succulent indeed.

Oh baby.

And on that creepy note and with my body suddenly compressed to the size of a bread loaf...

I am in the most depressingly-decorated bedroom with no idea who I am or my purpose in life! I guess I'll go downstairs?

---

[Explanation: I lost the save file and a lot of screencaps from the Gold playthrough. Whoops. So here's an upgrade for y'alls. I'll try not to make all the same jokes this time around.

Also, a lot of the formatting in this post is weird, due to the nature of copypasta. Future posts will be normal.]

TWO FOR THE PRICE OF...two

---

That sweat-stench from earlier is most powerful outside this Gym. So powerful, in fact, that I had to train my nose for over three months just to be able to get this close. Literally, three months. It's pretty bad.

And inside, the floor and walls glisten in the repugnant ambrosia cast off by these martial arts men. None of them speak so much as just grunt and shout things like, "UAHHHH!!" and "HNNNN-GAHH!!" and "DOOOWHOOP!!"

Most of it is coming from those two facing each other. Perhaps in their own language, they are having the most intelligent and heated debate of the millennium. But to me, they are just two more wretched obstacles.

Yoshi? I know a Yoshi, and he is not you. You are not lovable, green, or reptilian.

You are disgusting.

Ah, square boulders; we meet again! Unlike your lumpy or round brethren, you are not immovably stuck to the ground. I tell Cairo to be a doll and move these rocks out of my way.

He pushes against them with his face with all the power he can muster. Though he has no arms or legs to ground him (indeed, his only method of propulsion is wriggling and flapping his tiny wings), the boulders are pushed aside with ease. Cairo's face looks a little squashed, but it's worth it.

Oh. Oh no. No one man should be able to produce this heinous of a smell. He lifts a rock over his head, and the blast emanated from his exposed armpits actually knocks me onto my backside.

For once, yes, I am horrified.

Even his name smells bad. I'm going to need to get this battle over with quickly if I am to have any hope for survival.

His first Pokémon is a sort of exploding monkey with a pig-like snout. It hits hard, but its defenses are atrocious. Predictably, we take it down in no time at all.

His second (and final) beast is... a... frog, maybe? It swamps the battlefield in a deluge of water that appears out of nowhere and exits through the front door. Garrison doesn't seem too harmed by the attack, and miraculously, it appears to have given the men here much-needed baths. With the stench gone, we can now focus better!

Oh. So can the frog, apparently. One punch from its gloved fist was enough to take down the mighty Garrison? Horrifying. It's looking like I'll need something with stamina akin to a steel fortress, something that can take hits like nobody's business...

Oh yeah, I have that weird shell thing now.

I knew it was fate that brought us together, but already, you are helping me so much. Even at death's gate, you weakly drag your tentacles to victory.

A shudder travels up my body as he hands me this badge. It's all... slimy. So gross.

Outside, I see a woman who claims to be Chuck's wife. I feel extremely sorry for her, and she gives me a disc that teaches Fly, almost like a subtle suggestion for me to get far away from there as quickly as possible. My backwards hat goes off to her.

But first, that errand for the dying Pokémon that I almost forgot about! Mr. Hippieglasses here gives me a "secret potion" to cure it. By "secret", I assume he means "illicit", and "potion" probably means "drugs". But, who am I to assume such things of a seedy middle-aged man with round glasses?

With the """potion""" in hand, I boot up the Fly HM to see how it works. Flitwick instantly tackles me and carries me off, a spectacle that must have looked like me showing off my super-neat vampire powers.

Back at the lighthouse, I see that Jasmine is waiting for the sweet release of death to claim her yellow lizard thing. Well not today, lassie! Ol' Frez is here with some hippie juice to save the day!

The potion works miraculously well, and the lizard is cured in a matter of mere seconds. It flashes its tail and makes gleeful sheep-like noises, all in my honor. If my heart were larger than a speck of dust, this scene would have moved me to tears.

But I have another Gym to destroy, dangit!

Hello, Jasmine. I know that I just saved the life of your best friend, but that was just business as usual to keep events flowing. Hm? The steel-type? I know all about it. You see, with all the steel you have, it will do nothing.

I am a blacksmith, you see.

The blacksmith of your nightmares.

She didn't even bother changing out of her sun dress for this battle? Doesn't she know that I shall make her beloved Pokémon bleed at her from every angle?

This is what she sends out to face me.

It's, er... Actually kind of terrifying. But we've totally got this, right, guys?

...Guys?

Looks like it's just you and me again, Garrison. The original Dream Team can never go down!

AW YEAH.

Another badge, in the span of time it might take me to make a sandwich. Today has been oddly productive. But now I wonder what to do next? Sightsee? Or perhaps the candy bar man's dietary habits have finally caught up with his arteries.

You know what; I'm deleting you from my contact list.

Candy Bar Man is not gone, but Insisting Tourist Guy is. Looks like I'll be heading to Gym #7 already.

NEXT TIME: A gym! And more Team Rocket! Don't be a wet blanket!